Barney's Blog

Spoiling the party

Evening all, Barney McGrew here again – equine bloody marvel.

Well, folks, I can’t let the week pass without saying well done to my old mucker Langholm - or Langy as I like to call him. Did you see him win at Catterick during the week? The Connor Beasley human had him out of the gates faster than the Phil Cramp human puts in his vets bills.

The result of the race was never in doubt, giving Langy his third win at Catterick. He’s run there loads of times, and also been placed a lot, so it’s definitely his favourite track.

As he passed the post, the racecourse commentator announced: “He’s such a regular at Catterick that he’ll be getting an invite to the Christmas party.”

Well, as you know, us horses take everything literally, and Langy is very excited by the prospect of a night out. He's asked me if I’ll be his plus one, and I don’t like to be a party-pooper, but I’ve advised him to turn it down.

“Look here, Langy, old lad,” I told him from over my fence. “From what I can gather, Christmas Parties are where lots of very stupid humans gather, drink bucketfuls of that horrible alcohol stuff, sing out of tune, jump around to music like they're demented, and then stagger back home in the early hours after swapping partners. It’s not for the likes of us – we’re both geldings.”

Anyway, I think he’s seen sense. In the meantime, here's a picture of him in the winner's enclosure at Catterick with those nice humans from the Dods Racing Club.

AS you all know, I like this blog to be educational, so here’s a bit of an insight into the history of the aforementioned Catterick.

According to a thing humans use, called Wikipedia, the name 'Catterick' is likely to be derived from Cataractonium, which is a Latin/Greek mixture meaning ‘place of a waterfall’.

What a load of old b******s. I’m more inclined to think that Cataractonium comes from the meaning “a place where people go to have operations for dodgy eyesight”.

I think the Andrew Miller human must come from Catterick judging by the way he plays darts.

OH, and by the way, did you know that the legendary jockey, Willie Carson, rode his first winner at Catterick? It came on Pinker's Pond in a seven-furlong apprentice handicap on July 19, 1962.

And, in case you didn’t know, Pinker’s Pond is a small tarn near the gallops at Middleham. There you go - you're that bit more educated.

RIGHT, before I go any further, I have a bone to pick with a human called Judith Pressley, who came on The Gaffer's Facebook page with a supposedly funny comment last week.

“Is Pancake a flat horse?” she asked.

Now look here, Judith, I’ll do the flippin’ jokes around here!

And, while we’re on the subject of pancakes, can I just say that every time I look out of my stable door, I see another tosser.

FINALLY, I’ve heard that the Kenny Williams human has been to the doctor and and, while he was there, he asked: “How do you decide whether someone needs to go into an old folks’ home?”

“Well,” replied the doctor. “We fill up a bathtub and give the person a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket before asking them to empty out all the water.”

“Oh, I get it,” replied Kenny. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s a lot bigger than a teaspoon or teacup!”

“No,” said the doctor. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

That’s all from me for this week, folks. Bring carrots – and don’t forget to visit Kenny in the old folks home on the way.