Barney's Blog

Welcome home

Hello everyone, Barney McGrew here again – gorgeous, clever, insightful. An all-round equine masterpiece if ever there was one.

Well, the big news of the week is that THEY’RE HOME! Yes, Northern Express and Commanche Falls are finally back safe and sound from Bahrain.

I don’t mind admitting I’ve been losing sleep worrying about them being stuck over there while all that bombing’s going on. Don't get me wrong, it was nice to see Chloe get back a couple of weeks ago but, let’s face it, she’s only a human, whereas Northy and Commy are horses and, therefore, much more important.

I’ve been having a good chat with them, and they seem none the worse for their ordeal apart from the fact that they’ve started talking in funny accents because they’ve been over there since December. It’s a bit odd but we’ll soon knock it out of them.

To be fair, the Andrew Miller human talks in a dodgy accent too, but we don’t hold it against him.

Anyway, us horses have all got together and asked The Gaffer to lay on a party, with carrot cake, to celebrate the homecoming, but I doubt he will cos he’s a tight git. Always has been. We’ve probably got a better chance with my Carole – she’s like putty in my hooves.

The good news is that Northy and Commy should be in really good fettle when they get back on the racecourse over here. They’ve enjoyed the sun on their backs in Bahrain and been kept ticking over by the Bahrainian stable staff. Thankfully, the sun was shining in the UK when they landed, so they’ve been in a good mood. Turned a bit colder now, mind you.

They’re definitely better off back in good old County Durham because who knows what that crazy Trump human is going to do next? He reminds me of one of our horses – a chestnut with a light mane, who’s full of sh*t, and a name that suits his personality. King of Fury.

IT’S a big week for racing, of course, with the Grand National run at Aintree on Saturday.

My fans have been calling the yard, asking the same old question: “What does Barney fancy for the National?”

Well, first of all, I prefer the flat. I couldn’t be bloody arsed with running four and a half miles, jumping all those fences.

That said, I know it’s an important occasion for the sport, so I’ve been looking at the runners. I was hoping a horse called Dusty Carpet was running because it’s never been beaten. Or a horse called Ronseal because it’s good over fences.

Instead, I’m going for PANIC ATTACK – because that’s what the Andrew Miller human has whenever he’s told to do some work, and what the Kenny Williams human has when it’s his round.

NOW, as you know, I like this blog to be educational because most humans are pretty thick, so here’s a snippet about how Aintree got its name.

The place was first established by some wild humans, known as The Vikings, and they cut down all the trees in the area except one. In Old Norse, ‘ein’ means ‘single’ so the new settlement became known as Ein-tree.

There you go – it’s all true. I AINT kidding! You can thank me if it ever comes up in the pub quiz.

FINALLY, a bit of upsetting news about my lovely Carole.

I’m sorry to report that she’s been in court for shoplifting again – this time it was a tin of peaches.

“You’re going to jail for four months – one month for every peach,” declared the judge.

At which point, Carole’s husband, Michael (The Gaffer), shouted up from the back of the courtroom: “She stole a tin of peas as well!”

That's all from me for another blog. I'm off to visit my Carole in prison. Love you lots. Send carrots!!!